Monday, December 21, 2015

My Wedding Ring

I can't sleep tonight. I am laying in the bed I use to share with Holly whenever we would come down to visit her parents. I am surrounded by photos and memories of her and it just brings an all encompassing level of sadness to me. Our first Christmas without her. Inside I am filled with emotional turmoil and sadness. Still.

One thing that brings me a small amount of peace is my wedding ring. It feels comfortable. It is a tangible reminder of her and the life we had together. It also has the tendency to bring up hard conversations at times. People see it on my finger and ask about my wife and our family. Their intention is good but it creates an uncomfortable conversation to me. If I tell them the truth there is a whole period of them offering apologies and condolences. I find it is easier to just not say anything and sort of yes my way through whatever topic comes up

My ring is a part of me. Part of my life story. A symbol of my marriage. It represents a union that brought our beautiful daughter into this world. Simply removing it would feel like the most unnatural thing in the world to me. Maybe someday that will change but for now the ring remains as a symbol of my wife who left my life far too soon.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Seven Months

Seven months. That is how long is has been since you unwillingly left us. It has become a macabre anniversary for me. Each month I dread the coming of the 8th in the worst way. This month worst of all. Christmas is fast approaching and all I want to do is push a fast-forward button into next year.

It is 17 days until Christmas and there is not a decoration in the house. No tree. No lights hanging from the eves. Nothing. They sit in storage where you last touched them. I need to drag some of them out. It is not fair to Sophie to pretend the holidays do not exist this year. This weekend I am going to go get a small tree and put up the stockings and do my best to fake her into believing I am happy it is Christmas time. Inside though I feel crushed.

I don't have to do much. We are flying to Texas on the 19th to spend Christmas in Winnie. We will all do our best to make it a joyful and happy event for Sophie. I had one request of Sharon and Mike and that was that they got a real tree this year rather than an artificial one. They did and I am thankful for that. It is probably silly of me but I just can't imagine Christmas without the real deal.

People keep asking me for suggestions on gifts for Sophie. The truth is I don't know. You always took care of figuring out the cool gifts and things she wanted. You made sure she never wanted for anything. I guess that is something else I need to do this week. Cobble together some kind of list of things that she would want or use.

I hurt. Inside I feel so despondent right now. I pray desperately for your return. I know it is in vain but I do it none-the-less. This is not how I wanted my life to be. You were my best friend and the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. You were the best mom to Sophie. I can never replace those things.

I miss you. Terribly. Merry Christmas my love.