Monday, October 12, 2015

It's the Small Things

Fall has slowly been making its way into Colorado over the last couple of weeks. It was always our favorite time of year. I miss you switching the candles to spicy scents. I miss watching the new fall TV shows with you for the first time. I miss our excitement for the first episode of The Walking Dead to come on. I miss you decorating the house for Halloween. What I miss most about not having you here is our annual trip to the pumpkin patch with Sophie. The thought of making that trip this coming weekend is hard for me. Every year we made a big deal out of it. We would take a family photo and you would make some great collage including the pictures from each previous year. I miss every single thing about you.

Your 31st birthday is on Friday. You always loved your birthday. I always tried to surprise you with a new place to eat. A new event that we had not been to. This year we will be home missing you instead. I pray daily for a miracle that can never come. You are not coming back. Your life was cut short and now your photos and memories are all that survive. I know you are in a better place. I know you are blessed in the grace of God. Selfishly I just want you back home with Sophie and I. We still needed you. You had such strength. With you anything was possible. I miss that feeling.

This weekend I am going to attempt to pack your clothing and personal items up. I have kept everything exactly where it was when you died. The bedroom is a mess. The bathroom and closet are worse. I bought some of those space saver bags so I can carefully pack your things and store them for Sophie someday. It is going to be an emotionally brutal task but one that I need to do. Everything of yours that had special meaning is locked away in the safe. I am doing my best to preserve your memory as much as I can. I need to do that for Sophie.

None of this is easy without you. It never will be. I can only continue to pray for you, pray for our family, and live a life focused on Sophie and raising her to be a kind and intelligent woman who is full of grace.

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