Monday, October 5, 2015

Bare Patch

Dearest Holly,

Today (well technically yesterday since it is after midnight) I spent several hours visiting your grave. It is still covered in flowers.  Bordered on the edge around the whole plot are additional flowers. I think you would like how much your life is still being celebrated by friends and family who still love and miss you a great deal. I brought roses. You use to tell me what you wish I sent you flowers more often. If I could do it all over again I would buy you flowers every day. Alas that is no longer an option. The only thing I can do now is bring you flowers when I visit your grave. It is a pale comparison but it gives some small amount of symbolism of my undying love and devotion to you.

As I sat on your grave today I listened to some Jack Johnson and thought about all of the fun times we had in our backyard while we listened to him. As I sat there I began to pluck the grass and weeds that covered your grave. I eventually cleared a spot that was just dirt. This bare patch of earth is where I sat and cried and prayed, and ached for you. Tears dripped from my face and moistened the earth below me. Somehow that bare patch of dirt helped me feel closer to you. I rubbed the dirt between my hands. I rubbed dirt into my wedding band. The dirt brought me comfort. When you look down from Heaven and see the bare earth spot on your grave, that is where I sit when I am with you. That is the spot I feel closest to you.

I know you did not want to be buried in Texas. I hope you understand why I did it and that you know I made a decision based on a reality we did not expect to ever come true. Your plot is nice. I feel comfort there. The cemetery is well-kept and scenic. There was a gentle breeze today that kept me cool. Dragonflies flitted back and forth and provided me the kind of silent company I needed. It really is beautiful out there. I think you would understand and see the peace and beauty you are surrounded by. I think you would be happy.

I finally picked out your headstone this trip as well. It should be in place by the time we are down for Christmas. I kept it simple and elegant. I think you would like it. I had been dreading doing it because it makes everything have a level of finality I was not ready for. Selfish of me I know. I think it will also help Sophie identify your spot and be able to understand the purpose of going out to visit you.

I still miss you terribly. I still cannot talk about you without tears filling my eyes until they feel like they will burst. Not one day has gotten easier for me. Some days I can hide it better than others but the feelings that are inside me are as raw as ever. You did not deserve this. Sophie did not deserve this. I did not deserve this. You were our whole world. Nothing is the same without you. You were so much bigger than life. You impacted so many people in your short time here on Earth. I love hearing stories about your friendships with others and how much you truly cared about so many people. You were the greatest blessing I could have ever hoped for. You were my best friend. You gave me Sophie who is so sweet and kind and full of love. You did everything for her and she is such an unbelievably amazing young girl. You would be so proud of her. I am so proud of her.

Always remember the bare dirt patch and how that is my spot when I come see you. When we come down in December I will be there again. Watering the dirt with my tears and running the earth through my hands. Until that day I will miss you and hold your memory close to my heart. You are my one and only.

All my love,


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