Thursday, October 8, 2015

5 Months

How can it possibly be 5 months? It feels like yesterday. I am sitting here trying to think of what to say and the words simply aren't coming. It isn't any easier. Life still feels monumentally full of upheaval. I can't decide if I wish things were easier. I can't decide if I want to continue to hurt as bad as I do. I don't want to be a martyr to your death. I also don't want to let go of that connection to you regardless of how painful it is.

Some things are changing. Slowly. Sophie no longer panics when I walk out of the room for any period of time. She still comes looking for me but she is no longer consumed with fear when I am not in sight. She still sleeps in bed with me. She has however settled into sleeping (mostly) in your old spot. No longer is she pinned up against me all night long. She still cries for you. Often. Some days are better than others. Some mornings her sadness is so overwhelming that I just cannot leave her side. Those days are becoming more infrequent and that brings me some comfort. We look at photos of you almost every night. Your photos still surround us at home. With familiarity they do not always catch my eye. Occasionally though I will just stop and look at you and feel a deep aching inside. I miss the way your voice always filled the house. Seeing the joy you found in so many things. You being you.

I am sick. Actual sick. Not sure if I picked up a bug in Texas or am having a reaction to the flu shot I got this week. All I know is I feel like crap. You were always so good to me when I did not feel well. You would get out your essential oils and mix something up and rub me with it. Your oils are still on your nightstand. I can't bring myself to open them. They are another vivid reminder of you.

My dad finally arrived 2 weeks ago. He made the long journey from Oregon driving the same route that you and I did just a few short years ago. It made me think of the places we stopped, what we ate, where we stayed. How much we missed Bend but knew that everything would be okay because we had each other. Never did I think I would be living in Colorado without you. That was never in the plan.

We will be okay. Sophie will be okay. I will be okay. Nothing will ever be the same but the only thing I can do is pick-up the pieces and make the best life for us that I can. Sophie has more good days than bad. I am not sure if I have tipped the scales in that direction for myself yet but I am trying. Life is a gift not to be fettered in sadness and pain. I will continue to love and miss you and cherish our life and marriage. You will always be my sweet Hollybear. Always.

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