Tuesday, September 8, 2015

4 Months

I tried several times to start this entry tonight and each time my emotions got the better of me. Today marks 4 months since you passed from this Earth. 4 months that I have not held you in my arms. 4 months since I last kissed your lips. 4 months since I was last able to tell you I loved you. 4 months. Not a day goes by that I do not calculate how long it has been since you left us. Your presence is like a never lifting fog. You surround everything we do in all ways.

Sophie still misses you so much. Every night in bed she brings you up and we talk about different memories we have of you. While hard, it is still my favorite part of the day. I hope it is something we continue to do forever. I want so desperately for her to hold on to your memory and love. You were such an amazing mother to her and there is no one who could ever take your place. I do my best to keep her dressed cute, her hair done pretty, and her life happy. It would just be so much easier with you here. Even with the monumental amount of help I get, I still need you.

Overall Sophie is doing really well. She is doing good in school and she likes her teacher and her new friends. She has the school thing down and she is always happy to go (once her morning grumpiness passes). Each day Miranda and Charlie pick her up at the kindergarten bench after school and walk with her home. She feels like such a big girl. They along with Cedes and Flexa and Shyann are as close as siblings as they could possibly be. The Apodaca kids take such good care of her and as young as they are, are such an unbelievable blessing to her. Last but not least are Zenia and Chuck. In my entire life I will never be so fortunate to meet two better people. They epitomize what family is and means. There is nothing they would not do for Sophie and I and will never be able to thank them enough. I know how much Zenia misses you and how your loss weighs on her heart. When we moved to Colorado there were higher powers at work that guided us to move right next door to them. They are the only thing that has made moving forward possible.

Today has been one of the roughest days in a long time. The house is a mess. My normally super patient demeanor has been a struggle to keep. I am just... tired. Between getting her ready for school in the morning, getting to work, doing all the shopping and errands and raising a healthy and emotionally stable little girl, I am worn out. I am not the first single dad in the world and I am not suggesting it is any harder on me than any other man. I am just saying it is hard.

Soccer practice started last week. Her first game is this Saturday. It seems like there is something each day that needs to be taken care of. I have a great deal of respect for all of the moms and dads out there that wake up each day with the sole goal of making sure their kids come first. It is not easy.

My dad is finally making the big move to Colorado. His stuff is mostly packed and he has movers arranged and ready to roll. Tentatively he should be here on September 25th. I am looking forward to him being here and I know it will be good for all three of us. I don't need a lot of help at home but having some help will be a huge thing for me. It will also be good for him having someone to help him. Not having to worry about him living in Eugene 1000 miles away with no one close by to help him. I am truly looking forward to him being here.

I still have not slept a single night alone in me bed. Sophie refuses to sleep on her own and I don't blame her. She is getting a little better about not freaking out if I am not in the same room as her. I bought some walkie talkies so that when I am out doing yard-work she can call me when she needs something. It has worked our pretty well so far and Sophie seems to think it is pretty cool. She is learning to ride her bike so well. She loves tearing up and down the sidewalk as often as she can. You would be proud of her. She also seems to be doing better in being more driven while playing soccer. Gone are the days when she was hesitant to mix it up to get to the ball. She is so fun to watch.

I still miss you with all my heart darling. I still have the most terrifying dreams at night about that day. I still have terrible anxiety at times when something particularly poignant happens that reminds me of you. We pray for you nightly and I know you are watching down on us. You will forever by my wife and Sophie's mother. I will always make sure that Sophie knows how much you loved her. You will always be my beloved wife. I miss you baby.

Love always,

Your Husband

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