Saturday, August 8, 2015

3 Months

Today is the three month anniversary of your passing. I tried so hard to keep my mind busy by working on stuff around the house. Getting yard work done. Anything to not think about it. Alas it permeated every single thing I did today. I cried periodically all day. A song would make me think of you. Something Sophie did or said would make me think of you. You were everywhere.

I have spent a lot of time brushing up my my theological knowledge lately. Something I consider vastly different from my faith (although they certainly do mix and match). At some level my irrational being thinks I should be mad at God for letting this happen. Losing my 30 year old wife to a stroke of all things. My faith tells me that it could always just be a matter of time. Your AVM had been treated 7 times over the last 14 years. Any one of those 7 embolizations could have been fatal.  We always knew you could be on borrowed time. We knew from the moment we married. If anything I feel fortunate that God gave me the best 6 years of my life with you. I am glad God gave us a child that brought us closer together than we ever had been before. He gave me a partner, a wife, a best friend at the time I needed it most in my life. He gave me you. For that I will forever be thankful for the love He showed me I was capable of giving another person. You are my one and only darling and you always will be.

Three months ago tonight I experienced and lived through the roughest time of my life. Your loss has impacted every single aspect of my life. Everything. I am a pretty capable man and have never doubted my ability to survive the hardest of times. This has certainly tested my believe in that. It is amazing how a 5 year old daughter can completely turn you on your head when you are trying to get things done. I am fortunate that Sophie is so full of love and grace and kindness. She teaches me something every day about myself. Her love for you is one of the things that keeps me going. She has become the focus of my day to day life in all ways. It is the Sophie show and I do not see that changing anytime soon.

I still miss you so much. Everyday there are things I wish you were here to talk about. Everyday Sophie and I talk about you and how much we miss you. I am doing a little better talking about you with her and not breaking down. Sophie and I spent about 30 minutes talking about John 3:16 tonight and how it impacted our lives and more relevantly, how it applied to you. I think I was able to explain it to her in a way she could understand. She is young but so inquisitive. She loves praying for you each night. It brings great joy to my heart that she brings it up on her own.

School started for her on Monday and she seems to love it. When I dropped her off she gave me a kiss and ran in to make new friends. We raised her to have such confidence  and strength of character. She is kind and full of grace to everyone she meets. You would be so proud of her in all ways. I think she is starting to understand the concept of Heaven better and that while her and I are sad, you are in such a glorious place that in our hearts we should remember that you are not in pain or worried about your health. You are with Jesus and Teddy the hamster as well as Shilo the dog. I know that makes her happy.

We had the fire pit going tonight and had s'mores to go with it. It was a nice evening. Sophie also spent a lot of time on her bike today and she is finally really getting the hang of it. She will be on two wheels in no time at all. Her speech is getting better and her problem solving skills are really starting to take off. I am so darn proud of her. I wish you were here to see it.

Three months later and my emotions are just as raw as they were that first day. I can hide it a little better now but it is always just under the surface. I wish the good Lord had taken me and left you. I would trade my life for you in a New York minute. Your life was just starting. You were destined to do amazing things in this world. I have never seen a mother spend so much time making sure her child had all of the possible head-starts that a kindergartner could have. I think you would be happy to know that she is the image of perfection so far. She is her mother's child for sure.

I am thinking about you a lot tonight and feeling pretty crushed. I know I will be with you again someday but it is hard to find solace in that thought tonight. Three months ago today I was feverishly giving you CPR and praying to God for Him to save you. I dream about it every single night. Maybe if I had been there 60 seconds sooner or had done perfect chest compression's I might have saved you. I couldn't. If love alone could have saved you, you would still be here today. It wasn't and now we are here without you, the person that made everything work so much better in our family. Things will never be the same. Ever.

We love and miss you terribly honey. Three months does not feel any better than two months. It is just another reminder that you are gone and it is up to me to pick up the pieces and raise our daughter to be the wonderful woman she is destined to be. Good night honey. Godspeed. Watch over us. We are doing our best to be brave. All my love sweet girl.