Friday, July 31, 2015


Sophie had orientation at her new school on Wednesday. It was not an easy thing for me. Not by a long shot. Zen was there with me and she for the most part did the talking. I nodded my head a lot and did my best not to choke up when I had to say something. I remember how many times you cried when you thought about Sophie starting real school. I remember consoling you and loving you because of how much you loved Sophie. Now she is starting school and you are not here to see it. It hurts an awful lot to not have you here right now.

Her school uniforms have started arriving. She looks so cute in them. I never thought I liked the idea of school uniforms until now. I think it is the only thing keeping me from having a complete breakdown when it comes to worrying about getting her dressed for school. Now I only have to worry about lunch and hair. A small victory. I know you would love this picture of her. I am sure you would have taken a better one but it was the best I could do that day.

I love her pose with the wind blowing her hair.

I ordered all of her school snacks and lunch foods for the week. Grocery shopping seems like such a chore on top of everything else that I am paying the premium of ordering it online and having it delivered. Yes, it is all organic stuff like I know you would have done. Your mom bought her a darling backpack and matching lunch kit. Now I just have to make sure she can open everything. We will practice doing it this weekend.

Today is her last official day at Hope Montessori Academy. I only add the link because if anyone local ever reads this blog I want them to know how amazing the school is and how much the staff has done for both Sophie and I. They are genuinely sad to see her go. She will still drop in from time to time when I need to have back-up arrangements for her. Words cannot say how much I appreciate Hope and the kindness they have shown us. They have been a true blessing in every sense of the word.

I stopped taken all of my anti-depressant medications last week. While I think they have helped get me through all of this, I feel I need to deal with all of my emotions and feelings in a more authentic way now. I am still taking Ambien to sleep and something for my cholesterol but that is it. I think I am doing okay for the most part. I still cry and have moments that I feel utter sadness. I think that is okay though and while it is hard, I think it is healthy for me to feel those emotions right now.

Sophie is so excited for soccer to start again in September. She is playing with the Sassy Cats again this fall. Lisa and I are coaching again. All of the girls but one has signed up again. While the thought of not having you on the sideline taking pictures and yelling support will be hard, I know you will be there watching her play and cheering her on. I will have to recruit one of the other parents to take pictures for me since I will be on the field. I plan to stop at Fargo's to eat after each game down at El Pomar. That is a great memory of you and our little family. I am just so glad you were there to see her first soccer practice. Her first game. Her first goal. I know someday that will mean the world to her.

I am not sure why I wrote so much this time. Just a lot going through my head right now that I can't tell you in person. Sophie and I pray for you every night. We have "family movie night" all of the time and Sophie loves to talk about you the whole time. How much you loved popcorn. How much you loved Brave. How much she wishes you were there with us. I would do anything to have you back. I love you honey. I miss you terribly. Keep an eye on us. We need our angel looking over us. All my love...

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