Thursday, July 2, 2015

Happy Birthday Sophie

Happy birthday sweet daughter. You turned 5 today and in true Sophie fashion you were kind, sweet, and gracious. You talked a lot about missing your mom today. I miss her too. There is an unending well of sadness in my heart when I think about mom not being here for your birthday. She always threw the best birthday parties for you. She knew just the perfect way to put everything together. I am good at many things but that planning things like birthdays is something I always left to mom.

I wish my heart was not so heavy. I wish everything could be good and fun and light-hearted. I wish you, mommy, and me were laying in bed together having family movie night. Instead you are sleeping next to me in the space your mother use to occupy in our bed. I would give anything to have her back with us. Our little family got exponentially smaller when your mother died. She took up such a large place in our hearts and I fear we will never be the same.

On top of the profound sadness I have I am now taking care of you. You got sick tonight (too much sugar I think) and threw-up all over the bed. I had to give you a second bath and throw all the sheets in the washer. What a bad way to end a birthday.

You have been wanting to wear your ballet nightgown every night. It is far too small for you yet you insist on it each night. You said it reminds you of mom. She always made sure you had lots of beautiful clothing. All of your clothes remind me of her. You remind me of her. Today we talked about how we miss mommy's perfect smile. You said that you missed mommy's skin. I miss everything about her. I miss having my partner by my side. Spending time with her. Everything. I still cry several times a day. I am crying right now. I just can't imagine these tears ever stopping. I love you Sophie. Happy birthday.

Listening to Down Like Silver tonight.

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