Friday, July 31, 2015

Orientation

Sophie had orientation at her new school on Wednesday. It was not an easy thing for me. Not by a long shot. Zen was there with me and she for the most part did the talking. I nodded my head a lot and did my best not to choke up when I had to say something. I remember how many times you cried when you thought about Sophie starting real school. I remember consoling you and loving you because of how much you loved Sophie. Now she is starting school and you are not here to see it. It hurts an awful lot to not have you here right now.

Her school uniforms have started arriving. She looks so cute in them. I never thought I liked the idea of school uniforms until now. I think it is the only thing keeping me from having a complete breakdown when it comes to worrying about getting her dressed for school. Now I only have to worry about lunch and hair. A small victory. I know you would love this picture of her. I am sure you would have taken a better one but it was the best I could do that day.

I love her pose with the wind blowing her hair.

I ordered all of her school snacks and lunch foods for the week. Grocery shopping seems like such a chore on top of everything else that I am paying the premium of ordering it online and having it delivered. Yes, it is all organic stuff like I know you would have done. Your mom bought her a darling backpack and matching lunch kit. Now I just have to make sure she can open everything. We will practice doing it this weekend.

Today is her last official day at Hope Montessori Academy. I only add the link because if anyone local ever reads this blog I want them to know how amazing the school is and how much the staff has done for both Sophie and I. They are genuinely sad to see her go. She will still drop in from time to time when I need to have back-up arrangements for her. Words cannot say how much I appreciate Hope and the kindness they have shown us. They have been a true blessing in every sense of the word.

I stopped taken all of my anti-depressant medications last week. While I think they have helped get me through all of this, I feel I need to deal with all of my emotions and feelings in a more authentic way now. I am still taking Ambien to sleep and something for my cholesterol but that is it. I think I am doing okay for the most part. I still cry and have moments that I feel utter sadness. I think that is okay though and while it is hard, I think it is healthy for me to feel those emotions right now.

Sophie is so excited for soccer to start again in September. She is playing with the Sassy Cats again this fall. Lisa and I are coaching again. All of the girls but one has signed up again. While the thought of not having you on the sideline taking pictures and yelling support will be hard, I know you will be there watching her play and cheering her on. I will have to recruit one of the other parents to take pictures for me since I will be on the field. I plan to stop at Fargo's to eat after each game down at El Pomar. That is a great memory of you and our little family. I am just so glad you were there to see her first soccer practice. Her first game. Her first goal. I know someday that will mean the world to her.

I am not sure why I wrote so much this time. Just a lot going through my head right now that I can't tell you in person. Sophie and I pray for you every night. We have "family movie night" all of the time and Sophie loves to talk about you the whole time. How much you loved popcorn. How much you loved Brave. How much she wishes you were there with us. I would do anything to have you back. I love you honey. I miss you terribly. Keep an eye on us. We need our angel looking over us. All my love...


Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Dirt

It has been a busy few weeks without you. Two weekends ago I flew down to Texas to pick up Sophie and bring her home. It was a quick 24 hour trip. It was nice to see your parents and Kelsea and Jason. While I was there I went out to your grave and just sat their crying. The dirt is still piled above you. I was hoping it would have gone down some by now but it has not. I still have not decided on what I want written on your headstone. I think I am getting closer but need a little more time.

Your grave is adorned with flowers and pin-wheels. It still seems naked without the headstone though. I need something that is beautiful like you. I want to write something befitting of your life, love, and family. It seems like such a final act. The last thing I will ever be able to do for you. I want it to be perfect. Something Sophie will understand and love after I am gone.

Speaking of Sophie she still talks about you all of the time. She asks several times a day if you can come home from Heaven. I of course tell her that you cannot to which she replies, "I know dad. I just like thinking about it." She misses you an awful lot. We pray for you every night. Sophie is excited for Sunday school to start in September. She says she wants to learn all about Jesus and Heaven so she knows where you are. Breaks my heart.

I found out yesterday that I was able to get Sophie into Banning Lewis Ranch Academy this year. It took a lot of doing but we finally made it happen. Sophie will be able to to go to school with Charlie and Miranda and Zen will watch her after school. It makes me happy that she loves spending time with them as they are the closest things to siblings she will have. The Apodaca family has been an unbelievable blessing for us.

I miss you honey. I love you. I pray for you daily and know that you are in a better place. You are my one and only true love. Watch over us darling. All my love.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Two Months and Five Days

You have been gone for over a little over 2 months. Not a single day has passed that was not full of loneliness and tears.  It does not get easier. I am not sure I want it to get easier. At least with the pain I feel connected to you. It is a reminder of just how much I love and miss you. I will carry the pain of losing you for the rest of my life. Now and forever.

Sophie is still down in Texas with your parents. She is having a great time and while I miss her a great deal I am happy that she is having fun with her Gee and Paw Paw. It also gave me a chance to start going through all of the stuff in the basement. I cried so much yesterday as I cleaned and organized. All of your maternity clothing brought back tons of memories. There were pictures I had not seen in awhile. I even found some old grocery lists that you had made. For some reason I saved them. The hardest part was going through a box that had old cards that I had given you and cards you had given me. I would do anything to be able to send you one last card just so you would know for eternity just how much I love you.

Nothing is the same at home. The house feels so terribly empty without your presence there. I spent part of the weekend getting the yard in shape. The grass is in the best shape it has been since we moved in. Every time I look at it I want to be able to share it with you. I want to look up while mowing it and see you sitting in the chair by the fire pit with a mimosa in hand. Instead there is no one there. Just a memory of you and a yearning to see you again.

I miss you honey.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Your Voice

Your mom came to town for a few days to pick up Sophie to take her down for her annual summer trip to Texas. We didn't really plan anything to do. Chuck and the kids came over on the 3rd to watch the fireworks. The same thing we did last year only this year you were not here with us. Each holiday or event brings on a new wave of sadness. I just don't think that is ever going to change. Sure we will eventually have some happy moments too but the sadness will always be lurking there just below the service.

Your mom got Sophie's room all organized for me. We boxed up the clothes that were too small for her (which I will store and never get rid of because they remind me of you). School starts in a couple of weeks for Sophie and I am having a hard time thinking about her first day of real school without you here. You always made sure she looked so nice and got all excited to take photos of her. You were the best at that.

While your mom was here we talked about how neither of us could watch something that had your voice in it. Somehow *hearing* you makes it so much harder for me. For the first few weeks after you died I would call your voicemail several times a day just to hear you without having a visual image to attach it to. Just your voice. I miss your voice. I miss the silly voice impressions you would do. I miss you.

I am glad Sophie is having fun visiting your parents. I am definitely not having fun with her gone. All I do is miss her. With you gone it is the closest connection I have to you. This beautiful child that we made together. A child that highlights the best of both of us without any of the negatives. She is so full of grace and kindness. She amazes me everyday. She fills my heart with love. Love for her and love for you for giving her to me. Love.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Happy Birthday Sophie

Happy birthday sweet daughter. You turned 5 today and in true Sophie fashion you were kind, sweet, and gracious. You talked a lot about missing your mom today. I miss her too. There is an unending well of sadness in my heart when I think about mom not being here for your birthday. She always threw the best birthday parties for you. She knew just the perfect way to put everything together. I am good at many things but that planning things like birthdays is something I always left to mom.

I wish my heart was not so heavy. I wish everything could be good and fun and light-hearted. I wish you, mommy, and me were laying in bed together having family movie night. Instead you are sleeping next to me in the space your mother use to occupy in our bed. I would give anything to have her back with us. Our little family got exponentially smaller when your mother died. She took up such a large place in our hearts and I fear we will never be the same.

On top of the profound sadness I have I am now taking care of you. You got sick tonight (too much sugar I think) and threw-up all over the bed. I had to give you a second bath and throw all the sheets in the washer. What a bad way to end a birthday.

You have been wanting to wear your ballet nightgown every night. It is far too small for you yet you insist on it each night. You said it reminds you of mom. She always made sure you had lots of beautiful clothing. All of your clothes remind me of her. You remind me of her. Today we talked about how we miss mommy's perfect smile. You said that you missed mommy's skin. I miss everything about her. I miss having my partner by my side. Spending time with her. Everything. I still cry several times a day. I am crying right now. I just can't imagine these tears ever stopping. I love you Sophie. Happy birthday.

Listening to Down Like Silver tonight.