Thursday, June 18, 2015

It Sucks

Holly's funeral is all sort of a blur to me. I remember being there. I remember seeing her. I remember talking to people. I don't remember specific conversations so much or specific faces. One of the only things that I can remember clearly is one of Sharon and Mike's good friends coming up to me and telling me the most simple thing. He came over and told me, "It sucks." Nothing could be more true. I am okay when I am busy but as soon as I stop and think about Holly it brings tears. It sucks.

Each night when we lay down Sophie brings Holly up and talks about how much she wishes mommy didn't go to Heaven and that she was here with us. Each night I agree with her but try to console her with the fact that Heaven is a pretty great place. I try to bring up happy memories and play a game of remembering all the things we loved about mommy. It hit me last night that Sophie is going to have very few actual memories of her mother when she gets older. I think  about when I was her age and I remember small bits and pieces but certainly not broad strokes of memories. I am lucky that Holly always took so many pictures and videos. Sophie will never lack images to look back on to remember her mom. I have them all backed up from all digital sources I could remember. Something like 66,000 photos. 

I am going to start writing down all of the good things we remember about mommy each night. Reinforcing them with her all the time to help her hold on to them. It is the only thing I can think of to do. 

Today at Sophie's school they are having a 'Donuts for Dad' Father's Day event. They had a 'Muffin's for Mom' Mother's Day event 2 days before Holly died. She was there with Sophie. I got Sophie up this morning and I put her in the same dress she wore that day. She is such an amazing example of Holly and all the good things about her. I never want her to lose that.

Note of no particular interest to anyone but my future self. You have listened to Bright by Echosmith on repeat for 3 hours now. No idea why.

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