Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Sad Dreams

I woke up this morning about 6am because I heard Sophie crying. I rolled over and could see she was crying in her sleep. I rubbed her back for a few minutes and she slowly woke up. She told me that she misses her mommy. I asked if she was dreaming about mommy and she said yes. I held her tight and stroked her hair wishing I could do something more. It breaks my heart. So sad this morning.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Title-less

It has been a couple of days since I wrote you last. You always wanted me to write you more often when you left town and I wish I had done more of it for you. Not a day goes by that I have not cried because I miss you. At work today I was thinking about all of the things we would talk about. How we could stay in bed for hours just talking and making each other laugh. Missing the way you would snort when you were laughing really hard. I miss that.

Not a day goes by that Sophie does not tell me she misses you. I am not sure I will ever truly understand the depth of her sorrow even at such a young age. You were the best mommy to her and I will never let her forget that. No one could ever take your place.

Sophie has not slept in her bed a single night since we got home. If I leave the room and she does not know exactly where I am I can hear the panic in her voice as she calls out for me. I promised her that after work today I would take her out for ice cream. We went to Swirly Cow and I think she got more toppings than ice cream. The last time I was there was when the three of us went after one of Sophie's soccer games. No matter where I go I am surrounded by memories of you.

The house feels so empty without you. You were the one that made everything work. I still can't pack up your things in the bedroom and closet. It is a total mess but I just need those parts of you near me still. Eventually I will find the strength to pack everything up so Sophie can have it someday. For now your stuff still occupies our room and our space. I am not sure when I will be able to change that.

I finalized my last will and testament yesterday. Something I never would have thought of our done before you left us. At least not at this age. I increased my life insurance, have been to the doctor or a physical, and have started eating better. You use to joke that I had to live longer than you because you could not live without me. I don't think is this is how you meant it to go. I needed 50 more years without. I love you too much for you to be gone already.

Know that I miss you and love you and will do so for eternity until I am by your side again. You are my one true love darling. Now and forever.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Barbie

This morning I took Sophie to the ENT doctor to take a look at her super huge right tonsil. The doc and I discussed several different options (we settled on a sleep study for now) and several times she mentioned that it was no rush and I could discuss it with my wife. I didn't say anything (I mean what do you say?). Eventually after she said it again Sophie stopped us be telling the doctor that, "her mommy is in Heaven now." The doctor paused... I got teary eyed... she got a little teary eyed as well. She left to get some information and came back with a new Barbie doll that she gave to Sophie. She patted my leg and I about lost it right there. Tough morning.

I still wear my wedding ring. I cannot imagine taking it off. I guess at some level I still feel like you are going to come back to us. Miss you.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Brave

Saturday evening Sophie and I were having family movie night in bed. I wanted to watch the original Avengers in 3D since we were going to see the sequel the next day. Sophie stopped me and said she wanted to watch Brave in 3D instead. The three of us saw Brave in the theater together. Brave was the first official family movie night film we watched when get got our newest 3D TV. That movie will always remind me of our family and great memories doing stuff together. Be brave.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Father's Day

Tough day without you. Sophie woke up to give me a gift and a card (with some very kind assistance). We had a lazy morning then went out to lunch and a movie. Sophie and I wore our matching Captain America shirts to go see the Avengers. It was a nice day but I couldn't help but feel like we were missing a key part of our family. You would have done something nice for me and made plans to cook my one of my favorite meals. Probably your Mexican casserole that I love so much. Instead it was just Sophie and I and both of us missing you.

Tonight while we were on Facetime with your parents Sophie started to pull things out of her toy box to show them. One of the things she pulled out was Plex from Yo Gabba Gabba. It made me think of the time when we drove from Bend to Seattle so Sophie could see her favorite show in person. You bought front row seats and the VIP package where we got to meet the characters. I will never forget how when the show started you began to cry because you were so happy for Sophie to be as excited as she was. You loved her so much. I remember that trip so clearly. The weather. The places we went. Everything. You loved Sophie so much and I want her to always know that. You were the best mother I could possibly imagine. We miss you.


Saturday, June 20, 2015

Say Goodbye

Today Sophie was out in the garage with me "helping" me get it cleaned up. For awhile she ran through the sprinklers and rode her bike. She asked several times to hear the "goodbye song" and I had no idea what she was talking about. She probably asked 20 times before I finally figured it out. She wanted to hear one of the songs that was played at Holly's funeral. In her mind it was when we said goodbye to mom. I knew it would be hard but I played it anyway. She started to cry. I cried. I held her tight as we both cried. We sat and cried like crazy in the garage. By far the most tears I have seen from her to this point. I have tears in my eyes just writing about it.

I picked three songs for the funeral. One for me. One for Holly. One for Sophie. The song we listened today was the song I picked. Holly was not as sappy about music as I am. I hope she would understand why I chose it.

"How Can I Help You Say Goodbye"
Parry Loveless

Through the back window of a '59 wagon
I watched my best friend Jamie slippin' further away
I kept on waving 'till I couldn't see her
And through my tears, I asked again why we couldn't stay
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye

I sat on our bed, he packed his suitcase
I held a picture of our wedding day
His hands were trembling, we both were crying
He kissed me gently and then he quickly walked away
I called up Mama, she said, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye

Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
And with her final word, she tried to help me understand
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye

How can I help you to say goodbye

Friday, June 19, 2015

Small Thing

I have not bought a piece of clothing for myself in years. You took care of all of that. You took care of me. Almost everything in the closet, in the house, everything... you picked out. My jeans don't fit and I don't have you here to buy me what I need. How will my life work without you?

Thursday, June 18, 2015

It Sucks

Holly's funeral is all sort of a blur to me. I remember being there. I remember seeing her. I remember talking to people. I don't remember specific conversations so much or specific faces. One of the only things that I can remember clearly is one of Sharon and Mike's good friends coming up to me and telling me the most simple thing. He came over and told me, "It sucks." Nothing could be more true. I am okay when I am busy but as soon as I stop and think about Holly it brings tears. It sucks.

Each night when we lay down Sophie brings Holly up and talks about how much she wishes mommy didn't go to Heaven and that she was here with us. Each night I agree with her but try to console her with the fact that Heaven is a pretty great place. I try to bring up happy memories and play a game of remembering all the things we loved about mommy. It hit me last night that Sophie is going to have very few actual memories of her mother when she gets older. I think  about when I was her age and I remember small bits and pieces but certainly not broad strokes of memories. I am lucky that Holly always took so many pictures and videos. Sophie will never lack images to look back on to remember her mom. I have them all backed up from all digital sources I could remember. Something like 66,000 photos. 

I am going to start writing down all of the good things we remember about mommy each night. Reinforcing them with her all the time to help her hold on to them. It is the only thing I can think of to do. 

Today at Sophie's school they are having a 'Donuts for Dad' Father's Day event. They had a 'Muffin's for Mom' Mother's Day event 2 days before Holly died. She was there with Sophie. I got Sophie up this morning and I put her in the same dress she wore that day. She is such an amazing example of Holly and all the good things about her. I never want her to lose that.

Note of no particular interest to anyone but my future self. You have listened to Bright by Echosmith on repeat for 3 hours now. No idea why.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

When Sophie Cries

Tonight was a rough night for Sophie. She cried several times telling me she didn't want you dead and in heaven. That she wanted you here with us. That is the hardest thing for me. When Sophie cries.

We miss you.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Being strong is so hard

I have been reading as much as I can on how to manage grief with a child and the best way to handle everything. Every time Sophie brings you up it is so hard not to break down into tears. From reading I know that I am suppose to stay strong so she does not associate bringing you up with making me sad. The problem is that is exactly what makes me the saddest. I want her to be able to talk about you and share memories about you without feeling like I am going to utterly break down because that is exactly what is going on under the surface.

Bryna and Ross left early this morning and headed back home. I was sad to see them go but appreciated the company and distraction a great deal. I know Sophie loved having them here. She will see them again in a couple of weeks when she goes down to Winnie and Galveston with your mom and dad for the family reunion. It is so important for her to stay deeply involved with your family. 

I miss you honey. So much.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Sick

I am feeling so poorly right now. If you were here you would be rubbing essential oils on me and working your aromatherapy on me. I went to bed at the same time as Sophie tonight. Bryna and Ross are leaving in the morning but I felt so bad I just had to get in bed. If you were here you would be taking care of me right now. We miss you. I miss you.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Scooch Your Booch

This afternoon while putting Sophie in her car seat I told her to, "Scooch your booch." That was something you use to say to her and was uniquely yours. I remembering you and Sophie both laughing when you would say. I brought be back to reality that you are gone and there are so many things you are going to miss in Sophie's life. I keep trying to tell myself of all the things you were there for:

Her birth
Her first plane ride
Her first birthday
Her first Christmas
Her first day of school
Her first concert
Her first trip to Disney World
Her first soccer goal

So many firsts... yet all I can thing about are the things you will miss. All I can think about is how much I miss my wife and the life we had together. I can be distracted for periods of time but something always brings a memory back of you. The tears follow shortly.

Bryna and Ross are here and we spent the early part of the day at Springs Spree. There was all kinds of festival foods and it made me think of you and how much be both always enjoyed festival food. Bryna brought a couple of books for Sophie (and a beautiful Kendra Scott necklace you would love) and she showed them to me and I knew that at that moment I could not read them without starting to cry. They are good people with good hearts. I just wish they were here to see all of us together again. Not just Sophie and I.

I am in bed taking a "family nap" with Sophie. Something the three of us would often do on the weekends. I can't fall asleep though because I miss you just so damn much. I keep asking God why this had to happen to you and I don't have an answer. Did I fail you? Did I not try hard enough? Was there more that I could have done for you? I don't have the answer to those questions either. I love you so much honey. I will never be the same without you.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Saturday Afternoon Mimosa

Today is the first period in awhile where it has been warm enough to spend much time outside. It was the kind of day when you were alive that you would be out on the patio drinking a mimosa while I mowed the lawn. I can picture what you would be wearing. How you would be sitting in the chairs by the fire pit with your feet up. How you would have your hair pulled up and your sunglasses on. As I mowed the lawn this morning that is all I could think about. Everyday without you seems worse than the day before. I miss you so much. Each night in bed Sophie talks about how she wishes you were not in Heaven. How you were still her mommy here. It takes everything in me not to break down completely in front of her. I need to be strong for her, she doesn't need to be strong for me.

Bryna and Ross are bringing Toren up to visit for a couple of days. Holly loved Bryna so much and was always so excited when she got to see her. It will be nice to have them around for a few days. While I am one to prefer (if you can prefer such a thing) to mourn in private and away from people, I like them and know how much they cared about Holly. Sophie will be happy to see her cousin for a few days as well.

I miss you honey. I miss you so much I can hardly stand it. You were a pain in the ass but I loved that about you. I just wish you were still here with me.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Ties

There are a million hair ties in the house and I can not throw out a single one. You had such beautiful hair. Even in death your hair was stunning. Every time I find one I can't bring myself to throw it out. Most still have some of your hair in them. They make me cry and cry and cry. You were too full of life to be gone so soon. Damn it Holly I need you.

Geography

You were born in Texas
You were married in California
You gave birth to the most precious child in Oregon
You died in Colorado

Now you watch over us from Heaven
We need you back in Colorado

Thursday, June 11, 2015

6 Years

Today would have marked our 6 year anniversary and I am sitting in my office crying like a fool. . Holly always loved celebrating special occasions. Her mother went and laid flowers on her grave for me today. She always wanted flowers. Holly always loved celebrating special occasions. What I would give to be celebrating with her today.

I knew today would be a hard day. I knew I would have a hard time holding it together. As predicted I am a total mess. The hardest day in a long time. Why did this happen to us. How does God allow this to happen. I don't have half the strength I need to navigate these waters. Someone has a lot more faith in me then I do.

There is a public service of healing at church today. I am going down to spend my lunch praying for Holly, Sophie, and our families. My dad sent me an email last night that included, "It just seems like our family has had more than our share of grief to deal with." I could not have said anything more true than that.

6 years ago today Holly and I married in San Francisco. Kelsea and Jason were there. Holly and I spent the night out at an old bar called Vesuvio which is mildly famous. We drank Bombay Saphire and tonic all night as we talked about our life to be, our plans, our dreams. When the bill came at the end of the night it should have been well over $150. The waitress only charged us $39 because we looked so happy. Such a happy day and memory.

Sophie and I will spend the evening eating dinner with our good friends. Being home alone tonight would be too hard for me. I will put on my brave face and do my best to remember only the happy memories. I miss you baby. I miss you so much.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Sophie Says

Laying in bed last night, "I can't remember what mommy looks like." I lost it. Penitence perhaps. No 4 year old should ever have to utter those words.

Monday, June 8, 2015

One Month

It has been one month since Holly passed. An entire month she has been gone. I still cannot believe it. I spent the night looking through photos and crying my eyes out. I miss so many things about her. I miss her smile. I miss her hair. I miss watching our shows in bed at the end of the day. I just miss... her.

Made it out to a birthday party with Sophie for one of her friends yesterday. Outside of work it was really the first time I had been around people. It was hard even though there were some people there I would consider friends. Sophie had a great time and it was good to see her smiling and running around having fun again. I wish I felt the same.

After the party Saturday she has a sleep over at one of her friends house. Selfishly I did not want her to go. When she is around I can put my focus into her and dull some of the pain. Alas I let her go and ended up having a rough night.

I still where my wedding ring. I cannot imagine ever taking it off. It is a memory of my wife that I lost way too soon. It is a part of who I am. How do people deal with this. I pray. I try to tell myself God has a plan for each of us. I just can't make myself believe it.



Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Who You'd Be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today? Today, today, today.

Today, today, today. Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day. Some day, some day, some day.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Overwhelmed

So. Many. Tasks. So many.

I am at work but it feels like all I am doing is taking care of other things.
  • Finding a new doctor for Sophie
  • Meeting with an estate lawyer
  • Finding a new doctor for me
  • Appointment with nurse to go over my physical health for my life insurance policy
  • Birthday to attend this weekend
  • Checking with Sophie's teachers to make sure she is okay
  • Arranging the TV repair guy to fix one of our TV's
  • Checking on her application for The Classical Academy for NEXT year.
Somewhere in there I am also doing work that I am way behind on. Way behind. Fortunately I love my job and my company and appreciate their generosity a great deal. It just means working more at home when I can.

Holly was the one who called doctors and made appointments and arranged birthday parties and gifts. She could be home when we needed to have something done during the day. I need to clone myself. This is harder than I would have ever imagined. I lost more than I could have ever imagined. I lost my partner, my friend, and my child's mother. How do you ever replace any of those things?