Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Rest in Peace Sweet Wife

Yesterday I buried my best friend and wife. The pain in my heart is immeasurable. The only thing that keeps me from completely falling apart is my darling Sophie. How is it possible for an innocent and loving 4 year old to lose her mother suddenly with no way to prepare? I am so angry. I don't even know who I should be angry at. Am I angry at God for taking my wife at the age of 30? Yes. Am I angry at modern medicine for not having a better way to save my wife? Yes. Am I mad at Holly for somehow not stopping her death through shear force of will? Yes. I am. I feel like climbing to the top of the mast like Lieutenant Dan and screaming at God for allowing this to happen.

I am so tired of people telling me it will get easier. How? How exactly does it get easier for a 4 year old to no longer have a mother? How does it get easier for Sophie every Mother's Day for the rest of her life? How does it get easier for me knowing my wife died 30 feet from where I was working and I had no idea. Is it suppose to get easier when I ready the carpet shampoo machine to clean the blood and fluids from my bathroom floor where the paramedics battled to bring her back? It will never get better. I will never be whole again. Nothing will bring her back into the arms of her husband and daughter. Nothing.

Tomorrow we will take Sophie to Galveston to help get her mind off things. The problem is that every time I have been to Galveston I have been there with Holly. I know where she would want to eat. I know where she would want to stop and buy Sophie cheap plastic toys. I know just where she would point out where Jim Cantore fell over a railing during Hurricane Ike or Gustav. I know she would write Holly hearts Sean in the sand then laugh about how our old dog would always dig it up when she wrote it. I will soldier on tomorrow for the sake of Sophie. In my heart it will be nothing but sad memories and tears. I love you sweet wife.

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