Friday, May 22, 2015

Amarillo by Evening

We left the humidity of southeast Texas yesterday and made it just a little west of Fort Worth. Today there was rain of biblical proportions so we called it a short day. I have massive anxiety issues right now and I cannot take medication for them and drive at the same time. Alas we are slowly making our way back to Colorado.

Another bitter truth of being being a suddenly single daddy... bathrooms. Sophie is almost to the point of using the bathroom all by herself. Almost. She is told only to really take in the men's room and I cannot go in the women's room. I pray for the existence of the "Family Bathroom" wherever we go. Someplace I can take her and make sure she is okay. Whoever came up with the idea is a saint.

As we are all tucked in our room here in Amarillo I am filled with so much despair. Despair for myself. Despair for Holly's parents. Despair for my sweet darling Sophie who does not really understand the concept of death. I think about things like this year for Mother's Day her class made necklaces for their mothers. Holly never got to see it. What sort of questions will she go through this time every year. Will other girls be cruel or will they be delicate with her feelings?

She has a heart full of grace and kindness and I never want her to lose that.

I have been having terrible nightmares about performing CPR on my wife while waiting for the paramedics to arrive. I cannot get it out of my mind. I can't get the look of her face when I found her and rolled her onto her back. I know some of this is morbid. That is okay. I am writing it for me as a way to communicate my thoughts, anger, and emotions into the nether so I can face my daily life with more resolve and strength.

This entry is all over the place. Just like my brain right now. I have so much to do this next week. I have to go back to work. I have attorneys to meet with. I have banks and credit card companies to work with. I hate that life boils down to what is going to happen with your debt when you die. Not that Holly had a lot of it... but it still exists. Only 340 miles to go. Here comes the real world racing up to meet me whether I am ready or not.

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